Watts (chipotle) wrote,


I'm not sure whether restlessness and discontent is my normal state of being, or just something I go through around solstice periods (albeit probably coincidentally). I've remarked in the past that the times I feel like my act's more together -- I'm not feeling unduly depressed, it seems like my finances and general living conditions are stable, I'm showing a few creative sparks even if I'm not managing to harness them -- are also the times I feel more likely to look for life changes to make. Granted it's better to do these things when you're not depressed, but I remember being wryly amused looking back at Intermedia and realizing that when my mild depression cleared up there, I went from I really should think about looking for another job to actually looking for another job.

Perhaps oddly, I'm not looking for another job now. I'm feeling optimistic that next month I'm going to at least get a more formal contract extension here. Guardedly optimistic; my optimism about employment is always tempered by paranoia. I don't think I've ever had a job where there isn't some part of me that's convinced I don't really know what I'm doing there, and it's only a matter of time before I'm outed as a fraud and sent back to McDonald's.

This may be part of why I still entertain hopes of being a writer. If I'm going to be questioning why people are actually paying me, it might as well be for a job that's truly questionable, right? Just how does one pull off being a travel writer, anyway? Should I just start driving down the coast making notes? Can I manage to get somebody to pay me for that?

But I've been feeling very unfocused this last week and hope that my time at Anthrocon next week will help fix that. Somehow. I'm still not prepared for the con -- most notably, I don't know where I'm staying on Wednesday. I think I can manage to get a room at the Adam's Mark for about con rate, even if it doesn't end up being in the con block. I'm half-tempted to look for a hotel somewhere completely else for that night, but realistically I'm not likely to get a lot of tourist value from doing that. I'm still hopeful I can get a couple people together to go to Coyote Crossing on Sunday, though, a "tradition" I wasn't able to manage last year.

I'm also half-tempted to rent a car, although if I do that it just means I'll be obligated to leave the con and explore randomly, something I didn't really leave proper time for. Eventually I'll pull off a trip that's actually to that area rather than just to the con.

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