Watts (chipotle) wrote,

End of the week

It's the end of my first full week of work since the end of July. I'm tired but not dragging the way I used to do coming home from NetPoodles. I think part of this is that I'm working on a challenging, somewhat ambitious project, largely as the lead developer. I'm putting skills together in ways I haven't had to before. It's pretty cool.

I also don't have the distraction of being online, really. No SSH connections out and web surfing's through a proxy, so there's a strong discouragement to dawdling when frustrated. Instead I get up and walk around a few minutes, then come back to face whatever problem of the moment there is.

I found out yesterday that, in addition to the other Interesting Things™ going on around me, that NetPoodles changed their benefits administration company and, therefore, the insurance information I gave for both the thumb injury and the stitches on my back (for the dysplastic mole) is incorrect. The new administration company seems to be on the ball, but this will leave me with $700 worth of medical bills--plus another $200 or so coming up, I suspect, for the removal of the stitches--to play hot potato with. This is, naturally, the most expensive month I've had medically in a decade.

Last night I called my mother and gave her updates on things and she seemed to take it for granted that the logical course of action for me would be to move things into storage and stay with her after the contract's up, presumably heading out to California after the holidays. I was taken way off guard by this and handled it pretty gracelessly; hopefully I'll make it up to her when I see her this Saturday.

I'm still trying to analyze why it feels so important to get out to California now instead of after the holidays--besides that feeling of fate. I went so far as to make a list of pros and cons:

Reasons to go ASAP Reasons to wait
  • Better road trip conditions
  • Jumpstart on CA job hunting
  • Don't have to go through three moves in four months
  • Last attempt at moving back in with mom ended up very High Tension
  • If still unemployed, would rather explore SF Bay Area
  • Guaranteed of spending holidays with mom, and at home
  • Have option to leave stuff here if things in CA don't work out--move from Kim's means getting furniture out, too, within a month
  • Quiet, peaceful area--could be "recharge time"
  • December is traditionally sucky job-hunting month anyway

Ultimately, though, it's a choice between risk/uncertainty on the left side and security/comfort on the right. I want to say "between sticking to my guns and acquiescing," but that's vastly overstated. Yet it's an overstatement born of acute awareness that I have acquiesced before at more pronounced crossroads--to my mother, more broadly to my own doubts.

I wouldn't have doubts now, except that I recognize the stakes are lower for me this time around and higher for my mother. Maybe. Holidays separated from one another would be hard on my mother and I no matter when I left. And the lower stakes for me presume that I really would make it out if I stayed, that other reasons to stay wouldn't happen--that for some reason the window of opportunity wouldn't close. I have no way of knowing how big those "ifs" are.


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