August 28th, 2003

default, pepper

Angsty coyote warning

I'm going to break my unofficial rule about not posting when I'm depressed. (Not that I haven't broken it before.)

It's not a particularly serious depression, mind you, and a lot of the reasons I've written about before. But I'm feeling--not for the first time--well, somewhat taken for granted. Not by everyone, mind you--there's been a few wonderful, mental-health-saving exceptions like Jadedfox. But between various things that imply I'm not considered truly "on the team" at work and signals that seem to be sending a subtle but intentional message of you can hang out with this circle but remember you're not part of it, it's easy to fall into a bad mindset. If I just drove off into the desert, who would notice before I started missing bill payments?

I realize I've been flirting with this mindset for a couple months, too, which--well, either it depresses me more, or it irks me. I'm not sure which. It makes one paranoid. I don't like to think of myself as somebody who needs external validation, but it's hard not to notice when you seem to always be one of the "and others whose names escape me" in lists of friends. This was the first year that AC was a bit of a downer for me, and it's difficult for me to know how much of that was due to my own physical lack of energy and how much really might have been due to me not being someone most others are that interested in meeting/seeing.

I know, objectively, I'm not an easy person to get to know. Not that I'm difficult to approach, but I tend to be quiet in person, at least until I'm comfortable with someone, and I tend to only be open to a point. Sentiments like I miss you and I love you and even You're really fun to be with don't pass too easily from me (even when typed rather than verbalized). I don't like being emotional. Sometimes this serves me well (recently it's kept me from following up other people's hotheaded journal posts with acidic replies), but I know it can be a hindrance rather than a help. And this may be an unrelated concern to the ones above--but it's hard for me to tell.

They say you shouldn't make any "life decisions" when you're aware you're depressed. I can see why. It's hard to tell much of anything... beyond, of course, that you're depressed.

Even so, it's difficult not to think I need to make some kind of change again. Not a radical one, necessarily, but a change nonetheless.