Yesterday I twittered:
Feeling peculiarly Zen about unemployment. “Lack of work. Huh. Let’s go out wandering.”
This pretty much sums up my last few days. After some times my work has ended I’ve been depressed bordering on devastated, but this wasn’t one of those times.
I think part of that might be the feeling that it’s not due to anything I’ve done, or not done: it wasn’t that I was too slow, or didn’t impress them enough to go permanent, or wasn’t “right” for the position. And I don’t know that those things have necessarily happened in the past. There’s a position I nearly had a few years back that I wasn’t good at because the way the employer described the position and what the position actually involved were markedly different; there are a couple times I’ve worked as a contractor and expected to be asked to go permanent, and after it didn’t happen it was hard not to wonder if there was some flaw in my performance I wasn’t told about (or office politics I didn’t perceive).
This time, though—well, I think I was treated like a contractor even after going permanent, even if that likely wasn’t the intent: the project I’d been working on had gotten to a state where it would be relatively easy for just one person to maintain and tweak, and with my ex-boss able to devote more of his attention to that project now, that one person was him. If the product had gotten more clients lined up, maybe it’d have needed two developers, but this isn’t a good economic time to be selling a fairly expensive software service.
So am I kind of Zen about this because OMG you’re out of a job! just hasn’t sunk in? I don’t think so. My apparent lack of concern in my last post seemed to engender concern, but look, this is a road I’ve been down before. I know the old saw about job hunting being a full-time job. But I also know that flailing around desperately and taking the first job I can get is counter-productive. I know that I have personal projects I’ve been putting off for years, always making excuses about not having enough time to do them. And I need to see what I can do when I don’t have that excuse. Yes, I need to learn to do those projects at the same time I’m getting an income, but for right now this is very much about making lemonade.